The Littlest Doctor

It's been 6 months since she died, and I still get teary thinking about it. I still see her face. Pale when she arrived, at the end it was bluish-white and stained with the flecks of pulmonary oedema that developed during the course of the resuscitation. Every time they compressed her chest more fluid would fly out, covering me, the airway nurse, and the guys doing the CPR. I think they kept forgetting she was just a child, with how hard they were doing the CPR. But it's easy to get carried away in the high stress of it all.
And then she went from VT to a bradycardia, and that's when I realised we weren't going to win. Even after we'd been doing CPR for 45 minutes, I didn't think we'd lose her until then. Next cycle she was in asystole. And then she was gone.
And I still cry when I think about her. She was someone's. And she was so little. I wish her parents could know that we care. On their first Christmas without her, I can't even imagine what they're going through.
This is a hard job I've chosen.

“The expectation that we can be immersed in suffering and loss daily and not be touched by it is as unrealistic as expecting to be able to walk through water without getting wet” (Remen, 1996)

I’ve realised that I only ever think about blogging when I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself. I still have occasional moments of melancholy but overall things are better. Exams are over, and it feels like I have a future. Well, obviously barring some sort of unfortunate turn of events I have a future, but I mean one in medicine. It probably will be in emergency. Without the added stress of study life’s not so bad. Although I am in desperate need of a holiday!

I’d like to blog more, but I don’t know what to write about. Even with exams out of the way I spend nearly all my time at work, and my days off recovering from endless night shifts and running around trying to catch up with friends.

I’m hoping that 2011 is the year of more fun!! Now I just have to figure out how.

Actually, I think I know the first step. When I was a kid I was diagnosed with social phobia, and although I’ve made leaps and bounds since then, social situations still provoke a lot of anxiety for me. I feel awkward, nervous and I always feel as though I look awful and that no one will want to talk with me. But I still keep getting invited to things, so I guess I can’t be too bad. This year, I’m going to challenge myself by making myself commit to social events and not back out of them at the last minute. Even if I have to turn up to places alone. And I feel fat.

I also need to take better care of myself. Eat less crap, exercise more.

The last few years there’s always been one step more to take before I can get on with things. I’m in my late 20s. No more holding patterns and waiting. It’s time to get on with it.

I hate what I'm doing now.
And although I've been out of emergency for 3 months, I don't miss it yet.
What the hell is going to happen??

I know I’ve disappeared for, well, forever. This year’s been stressful, more stressful than I’d thought. I thought once I was only working in emergency (no more gen med or ortho, thank God!!), everything would be okay. But it didn't work out quite how I'd planned.

At the beginning of this year I think I was pushing myself too hard, trying to achieve so much so quickly. It’s been rough, not meeting my own expectations, and then having to reassess.

But I've realised something big today - everything's going to be okay.

I’ve been so stressed about all aspects of my life at one point or another, but I just need to fricking let go and just let things happen when they happen.

I only have one subject to go, and hopefully that means I’ll have finished my primary exams by the end of this year, but if I don’t it’s okay (although certainly not ideal!). After exams is a research project, and the department I work in likes us to get on with it. But if I need to take some time out that’s okay too.

I feel like I'm always planning for the future instead of living in the present, and have been since medical school. But I can do a bit of both! And maybe start enjoying both my personal and work life a bit more! Hell, I’m even enjoying studying more!!

Um, but only just :P

I'm sick of being so stressed. About work, about study, about what little life I have outside of work and study.
Exams are in 2 weeks. I'm trying to study today, and it's not going well. I'm tired, and I've fit in going to the gym, running some errands at the shops and having lunch with my mother - all of which was great, but was ambitious. So now it's nearly 5pm, I haven't done anything yet. And I'm finding it hard to get started.
I'm sick of this life. Hrm, just realised that could sound a little dodgy :P Not sick of life, sick of *this* life. I would like one with more time to relax, more time to become more clinically competent at work, and more time to have FUN! While I'm still young :P

I was sitting at the bus stop beside the hospital, waiting for the bus which was already 5 minutes late.

An older man sat beside me. Just then, the blades of the chopper on the nearby helipad began to beat faster, and faster. The chopper rose in the air. The noise was deafening.

We looked at each other, sharing the moment of excitement (I felt a silly urge to wave at the chopper! :P)

As it flew off, we made small talk about how loud it was.

And then the man said "It's wonderful though. Every time you see that you can think to yourself that there's another life hopefully saved. It's amazing, isn't it?"

And for a moment, I felt proud. Proud that when I'm work those patients are brought to me, to my department, and my colleagues.

I know this probably sounds conceited, but in the day to day running of things we don't get time to stop and reflect on the work we do. We focus on the difficult (and usually very well!) patients who challenged us, or worry about things we could have done differently.

But today, a stranger at a bus stop reminded me of the good that we do. And I'm so proud of us!