Sunday, December 25, 2011

It's hard

It's been 6 months since she died, and I still get teary thinking about it. I still see her face. Pale when she arrived, at the end it was bluish-white and stained with the flecks of pulmonary oedema that developed during the course of the resuscitation. Every time they compressed her chest more fluid would fly out, covering me, the airway nurse, and the guys doing the CPR. I think they kept forgetting she was just a child, with how hard they were doing the CPR. But it's easy to get carried away in the high stress of it all.
And then she went from VT to a bradycardia, and that's when I realised we weren't going to win. Even after we'd been doing CPR for 45 minutes, I didn't think we'd lose her until then. Next cycle she was in asystole. And then she was gone.
And I still cry when I think about her. She was someone's. And she was so little. I wish her parents could know that we care. On their first Christmas without her, I can't even imagine what they're going through.
This is a hard job I've chosen.

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