The Littlest Doctor

I hate what I'm doing now.
And although I've been out of emergency for 3 months, I don't miss it yet.
What the hell is going to happen??

I know I’ve disappeared for, well, forever. This year’s been stressful, more stressful than I’d thought. I thought once I was only working in emergency (no more gen med or ortho, thank God!!), everything would be okay. But it didn't work out quite how I'd planned.

At the beginning of this year I think I was pushing myself too hard, trying to achieve so much so quickly. It’s been rough, not meeting my own expectations, and then having to reassess.

But I've realised something big today - everything's going to be okay.

I’ve been so stressed about all aspects of my life at one point or another, but I just need to fricking let go and just let things happen when they happen.

I only have one subject to go, and hopefully that means I’ll have finished my primary exams by the end of this year, but if I don’t it’s okay (although certainly not ideal!). After exams is a research project, and the department I work in likes us to get on with it. But if I need to take some time out that’s okay too.

I feel like I'm always planning for the future instead of living in the present, and have been since medical school. But I can do a bit of both! And maybe start enjoying both my personal and work life a bit more! Hell, I’m even enjoying studying more!!

Um, but only just :P

I'm sick of being so stressed. About work, about study, about what little life I have outside of work and study.
Exams are in 2 weeks. I'm trying to study today, and it's not going well. I'm tired, and I've fit in going to the gym, running some errands at the shops and having lunch with my mother - all of which was great, but was ambitious. So now it's nearly 5pm, I haven't done anything yet. And I'm finding it hard to get started.
I'm sick of this life. Hrm, just realised that could sound a little dodgy :P Not sick of life, sick of *this* life. I would like one with more time to relax, more time to become more clinically competent at work, and more time to have FUN! While I'm still young :P

I was sitting at the bus stop beside the hospital, waiting for the bus which was already 5 minutes late.

An older man sat beside me. Just then, the blades of the chopper on the nearby helipad began to beat faster, and faster. The chopper rose in the air. The noise was deafening.

We looked at each other, sharing the moment of excitement (I felt a silly urge to wave at the chopper! :P)

As it flew off, we made small talk about how loud it was.

And then the man said "It's wonderful though. Every time you see that you can think to yourself that there's another life hopefully saved. It's amazing, isn't it?"

And for a moment, I felt proud. Proud that when I'm work those patients are brought to me, to my department, and my colleagues.

I know this probably sounds conceited, but in the day to day running of things we don't get time to stop and reflect on the work we do. We focus on the difficult (and usually very well!) patients who challenged us, or worry about things we could have done differently.

But today, a stranger at a bus stop reminded me of the good that we do. And I'm so proud of us!

If you have a paroxysmal tachyarrhythmia don't take caffeine pills.

Hypothetically speaking, you could decide to start taking them so you can have more energy for the holiday you've saved up for a long time to afford. And 3 days into your holiday, you might end up in hospital for 3 days before being discharged to go back home, your long awaited holiday ruined.

That'd suck. Hypothetically.

Telling me that you're not drug seeking does not, in fact, reassure me that you're not drug seeking. Following that up by asking for IV morphine pretty much guarantees you paracetamol and the door. Hope it doesn't hit you in the butt on your way out.

Also, if you present telling me you've lost your authority meds (the same day you got the script filled, such a shame!), I will do whatever I have to do to make sure you don't get more than 2 days supply. Even if it means running from ED to pharmacy to dispense the tablets myself.

Enough already people! Detox and start contributing to society, please! Your mum will appreciate it.

Hrm, my posting has been quite sporadic… Probably not entirely surprising considering my work schedule and the fact that I’m supposed to be studying for exams.

I don’t have a very reflective nature. Part of starting this blog was to get me thinking about things, and to maybe come up with a way to express or work through some of the things I encounter. For the most part I just roll with things, but there are still a lot of joys and frustrations that I experience. I find myself in some very odd situations, or listening to some very odd stories from people with lives so wholly removed from my own experiences.

I’ve seen a few people reflecting on the end of the decade. It made me think (briefly!) about how far I’ve come in that period of time. 10 years ago I’d just hung up my high school uniform and was excited to be heading off to start uni. I had a few friends from high school heading to the same course and I was looking forward to freedom, fun and figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. Medicine was a background thought but I figured I’d see where life took me.

Now, I’ve progressed in my career. I’m no longer a resident (no more ward call, thank goodness!!), and I’m working towards being an emergency doc. My relationship with emergency medicine has its ups and downs. Sometimes the crap patients get me down. The entitled ones who present with a chronic problem and expect miracles. The aggressive patients who make me feel as though my safety is threatened while I try to help them. The people who present asking for help then tell me to get stuffed when I suggest treatment.

But then there are the people who I begin counselling through their miscarriage. There are people who lay in the trauma bay scared and crying, who I can comfort and help. There are people who I can reassure and send home. There are people in unfortunate circumstances with fascinating physiology.

Last night as I was examining a very polite ex-con it occurred to me that I would never have imagined things would quite have ended up like this. I’m tougher than I thought. Life has its ups and downs but I’m happy with where I am. And where I think I’m headed. But I’ll continue to see where life takes me.

Hopefully to Paris somewhere along the line though! :)